for night you no go sleep, na so you go dey for phone dey talk to man!
ADAKU: good morning, ma.
MADAM BOLA: ehn! I wan come tell you say rent dey go up this month by twenty thousand naira o!
ADAKU: why? There has been no renovations or anything done to the house to warrant such increase?
MADAM BOLA: na your mama you dey ask why? Na lack of respect go kill you! No home training at all!!!
See as she keep mouth dey ask me why! Anyway, if you no like am, pack your things and go back to Igbo land.
Lagos no be lazy man land. No be like your place wen una no dey pay rent. I don talk finish. No talk say I no tell you o!
(Adaku went back inside and shut her door. After a while, one of the tenants called Bose knocked on her door…)
ADAKU (opens the door) morning, Bose
BOSE: na vex say I dey disturb, abeg help me charge my phone for your room. I no get fuel to put my generator on. Abeg
ADAKU: sure! Come in and plug it in. Ehn! Bose, did you hear of the rent increase?
BOSE: which increase?
ADAKU: landlady told me this morning that rent has increased by twenty thousand naira.
BOSE: ah! She no tell me anything like that o! She only say a new tenant will be moving in from next week. That’s all.
ADAKU: okay.
(Bose left and Adaku went to madam Bola’s house)
ADAKU () anyone home?
MADAM BOLA: wetin you want?
ADAKU: sorry to disturb, but why was my rent increased but everyone else’s stayed the same?
MADAM BOLA: oh! You come my house come ask me why again??? You no dey shame? All the money wen you dey get for olosho job, wetin you dey take am dey do! Leave my house before I call my dog!
ADAKU: I’ll leave but just so you know, I am not paying a kobo more than what I have always paid. Bye! (Walks out)
MADAM BOLA: na for that house them go find your decomposing body if you no pay rent. Shebi na me and you for this yard. You go see!
**********************************************
FUNMI: good morning, sir.
MR OSAI: morning, Funmi. You don’t look too happy; what’s the matter?
FUNMI:(breaks down in tears????)
MR OSAI: oh dear! What’s the matter? Come on! Stop crying and talk to me. What happened? How is Ebuka?
FUNMI: I’m in trouble??
MR OSAI: what trouble? If you calm down and tell me, I might be able to help. I mean you are my staff i could use the company’s money to solve the problem and then gradually take it back from your wages.
Did you make any mistakes?
Is money missing?
Did you overpay a client?
FUNMI: nooo????? my husband found out I was sleeping with you.
MR OSAI: but that happened when we were both unmarried!
Do you know all the women he slept with before meeting you? Come on! This shouldn’t be an issue!
FUNMI: that’s the problem! He didn’t even let me explain. I don’t know what he was told and who told him.
Since then, home has been hell! He goes out and comes back drunk and totally off his face. Calls me all manner of names. I never thought my past could find its way to my present and mess it up this way!
MR OSAI: but you and I had a secret relationship because we were in the same company.
No one knew about it except of course your friend…. And I take the blame because you kicked against that but I insisted on having sex with you in my office. So how could he have known!
Does your friend have his phone number?
FUNMI: no..well, yes. I recently gave it to her because I wanted her to give him the shoes he bought me from Italy, when I was in Lagos. I don’t think she saved it.
And I don’t want to believe she would do such a thing to me
MR OSAI: I’m not saying she said it, but you women can be really nasty when you feel your friend is happier than you. You women are always competing with each other, which I think is pathetic!
Listen, go to your husband when he is sober and explain things to him.
Come on! Not like we were having casual sex! We were in a relationship and we were going to get married until our genotypes shattered those plans.
I’m sure your husband had sex with at least one of his exes! Why punish you for it!
FUNMI: I am in bits. This is a home where I am already the black sheep! If his family gets to know, they’d kick me out and my mother warned me not to ever come back home if my marriage crashes, because she was never in support of me marrying an Ibo man??
MR OSAI: would you like me to talk man to man with him?
FUNMI: I don’t know what I want. I can’t even function
MR OSAI: alright! Listen, this is not a big deal at all, but I understand your fears. I’ll give you one week off, fully paid. Try to sort things out with him as amicably as possible, if all fails, I’ll send you to America to start a new life. What nonsense!!!??
I hate to see you like this. And I feel very guilty because I am enjoying my own marriage. Please go home and if you need anything, regardless of what time of the day or night it i
MY WIFE: episode 20 MR OSAI: morning, Funmi. How are you? FUNMI: I’m alright. Good morning MR OSAI: how have you been managing? FUNMI: God has been gracious. I have been receiving help from lots of people. MR OSAI: great to hear. Do you need anything? FUNMI: not at the moment. No. MR OSAI: It’s Saturday today, So I’m only here until 10am. Our daughter has got really nasty cataarh; I told my wife to get her ready so I could quickly come to the office and do a few things before I take them to the hospital, so they must be waiting. Erm, I just wanted to find out if you are willing to take on the role of my personal deputy? FUNMI: wow! Why not! MR OSAI: well, I did put up vacancy for two more roles on our website. If you become my deputy, it means your position will be empty and we need one one more person in our IT department. So you are happy to do it? FUNMI: yes! MR OSAI: great! So it comes with a pay rise, and a few other benefits like entitlement to an all expense paid holiday, health insurance which covers you and one other family member and a car. FUNMI: wow! Are there things I’d need to do? MR OSAI: erm, we will train you for a week and that’s all fully paid. Nothing difficult at all. Just to familiarise you with your new role. FUNMI: okay. Thank you. Did you get the email I sent you? MR OSAI: Oh yea! The CV, right? Is that someone you know? FUNMI: yes. It’s actually the lady I told you about who got me a house and all. MR OSAI: oh! The Amarachi of a girl! Alright, ask her when she is available to start… FUNMI: oh! My God! Thank you!! MR OSAI: you’re welcome, Funmi. Anyway, look after the office. I’m leaving now FUNMI: please send my love to your daughter and wife. I hope she feels better soon. MR OSAI: I will. Thanks. Bye (Mr Osai left and after sometime, a call came through to Funmi’s desk from the receptionist) FUNMI: hello, Funmi here. How can I help? RECEPTIONIST: someone is here to see you FUNMI: what’s the name? RECEPTIONIST: Zain. FUNMI: hmmm! Let him in, please. Thanks (Zain knocked on the door and Funmi opened the door for him) ZAIN: surprise! Surprise!! FUNMI: you didn’t tell me you were coming! ZAIN: I know you threw your card on me just to dismiss me. Well, most guys would find the way you dismissed me quite abrupt, but I find it very attractive actually FUNMI: please take a seat. ZAIN: (sits down) thank you. FUNMI: would you like anything? ZAIN: yes. You. FUNMI: Oh please! ZAIN: I meant everything I said to you at the mall. You see, I’m not asking you to date me straight away, just give me a chance to know you. That’s all I’m asking for. FUNMI: I’m married… ZAIN: well, you don’t look it (stares at her finger ring and gave a facial expression that suggests “so why are your fingers empty?)
FUNMI: why are you staring at my fingers like that? ZAIN: well, I like how neat and short they are. I dislike articial nails on ladies..also, I thought married people wear wedding bands in this part of the world. I might be wrong… FUNMI: I.. I.. ZAIN: It’s alright! You don’t have to lie to me. You are not married. Maybe you were married. Whatever the case, I just want to get to know you. I know I don’t look it with the whole beards and all, but I am actually harmless. FUNMI: do you mind if I ask where you are from? ZAIN: I’m from Delta state. FUNMI: hmmm! Interesting. Do you live there? ZAIN: erm, actually, I and my siblings were all born and raised in the United States. This is my second time of coming to Nigeria since I was born. But I’m trying to put up something here that will always draw me back home. You don’t wanna go too far away from your roots FUNMI: so you can’t even speak your language ZAIN: shush! Keep your voice down! You don’t need to let the world know! FUNMI: hahahaha! I need a microphone in this office so I could loud it. ZAIN: thank goodness you have none. Naughty girl! FUNMI: I’m not a girl! Respect my age! ZAIN: sorry, grandma. Can we go out for lunch? FUNMI: I don’t think that will be possible. I’ve got a few things to do here ZAIN: I’ll hang around and come back whenever you want me to. Why are you working on a Saturday, anyway! FUNMI: I don’t wanna be bored at home. ZAIN: happily married people look forward to the weekend… FUNMI: ??? ZAIN: I don’t mean to open any healing wounds. I’m sorry if I did. But when I saw you in that mall, I saw loneliness, I saw betrayals, I saw love and lost. Your beautiful garments couldn’t hide them. They pierced through it. All I wanted to do is offer you some comforting hugs. I saw a girl who’s been betrayed by the ones she holds dearly to her heart FUNMI: (wipes her tears with her hands) ZAIN: (throws his handkerchief on her) use this. Don’t be ashamed to cry as much as you wish. But never go back to what made you cry. This is my grandma’s everyday advice to us. Just thought you might find it helpful. FUNMI: thank you. If you don’t mind I would love to carry on working now, please.
FUNMI: why are you staring at my fingers like that? ZAIN: well, I like how neat and short they are. I dislike articial nails on ladies..also, I thought married people wear wedding bands in this part of the world. I might be wrong… FUNMI: I.. I.. ZAIN: It’s alright! You don’t have to lie to me. You are not married. Maybe you were married. Whatever the case, I just want to get to know you. I know I don’t look it with the whole beards and all, but I am actually harmless. FUNMI: do you mind if I ask where you are from? ZAIN: I’m from Delta state. FUNMI: hmmm! Interesting. Do you live there? ZAIN: erm, actually, I and my siblings were all born and raised in the United States. This is my second time of coming to Nigeria since I was born. But I’m trying to put up something here that will always draw me back home. You don’t wanna go too far away from your roots FUNMI: so you can’t even speak your language ZAIN: shush! Keep your voice down! You don’t need to let the world know! FUNMI: hahahaha! I need a microphone in this office so I could loud it. ZAIN: thank goodness you have none. Naughty girl! FUNMI: I’m not a girl! Respect my age! ZAIN: sorry, grandma. Can we go out for lunch? FUNMI: I don’t think that will be possible. I’ve got a few things to do here ZAIN: I’ll hang around and come back whenever you want me to. Why are you working on a Saturday, anyway! FUNMI: I don’t wanna be bored at home. ZAIN: happily married people look forward to the weekend… FUNMI: ??? ZAIN: I don’t mean to open any healing wounds. I’m sorry if I did. But when I saw you in that mall, I saw loneliness, I saw betrayals, I saw love and lost. Your beautiful garments couldn’t hide them. They pierced through it. All I wanted to do is offer you some comforting hugs. I saw a girl who’s been betrayed by the ones she holds dearly to her heart FUNMI: (wipes her tears with her hands) ZAIN: (throws his handkerchief on her) use this. Don’t be ashamed to cry as much as you wish. But never go back to what made you cry. This is my grandma’s everyday advice to us. Just thought you might find it helpful. FUNMI: thank you. If you don’t mind I would love to carry on working now, please.
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