Serial Dating

Serial - "Of, forming, or arranged in a series."

Dating - "An engagement to go out socially with
another person, often out of romantic interest."

In the past month alone I have had over twenty
emails from women who are seeking help with a
dating history characterized by seeing men for two
or three dates and then never hearing from them
again. In some cases, there has been some email
contact or the occasional phone call after the
last date, but no mention of seeing each other
again. These women want to know what they are
doing wrong or if something is just wrong with
them. In order to help them answer this, I ask
them about their relationship readiness...

There are approximately 95.7 million single adults
in the United States alone. Many are seeking
long-term, committed relationships, but others are
not. The key to successful relationship building,
if this is your goal- is to learn how to tell the
players from the people who want to play for
keeps. It begins with having clear relationship
goals and a plan for achieving them.

Begin by examining your own feelings and your true
readiness for intimacy. Deciding it is time for
this big step should not be due to your age, your
friends' relationship/marital status or to the
biological and societal pressures that often
factor into choices that end in heartbreak and/or
divorce. Instead, look at what you really want
from your future partner and come up with a list
of what you must have and another of what is not
acceptable. Then take an inventory of your life at
it is now. Ask yourself if you are generally
happy, well-adjusted, financially and emotionally
stable and ready to do the work that comes with a
real relationship. This first step is the one that
many people overlook and then wonder why they end
up in a pattern of serial dating, in which they
always seem to choose -or be chosen by - the wrong
kind of man/woman.

The next step is to get that plan in place. Get
familiar with local and online resources that will
bring you into contact with the kind of person you
seek. This is an active process that requires
time, energy and commitment on your part. Once you
have identified some good resources, use them
well. Sign up for activities, groups, sports,
cultural events or whatever activities bring you
pleasure and will help you to interact with others
who share your interests and passions. Be
realistic with your schedule and don't overbook,
which could leave you exhausted and emotionally
spent.

Most importantly, don't rush the process because
you are in love with the IDEA of being in love.
This is when you risk ending up in a pattern of
serial dating, because the men women you choose to
date don't want what you want- or don't want it
now. There are many singles who are dating for
fun, dating more than one person at a time and/or
feel they are not ready for or interested in a
serious relationship at the present time. While
there is nothing wrong with this, if it is not
what you want you could find yourself riding a
roller coaster of repeated self-doubt, feelings of
failure and insecurity, disappointment and/or
heartbreak.

Remember also that it is important to honestly communicate what you are looking for and be consistent in setting comfortable and appropriate
limits in your dating life. Pay attention to your
instincts and learn to read what the other person
doesn't say as well as what they say. People, just
like things, are not always what they appear to
be.

When you are truly ready and have the
self-awareness and tools necessary, you will
greatly increase your chances of finding and
sustaining happy love.